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The Wild Woman



“Taylor is going out a lot”

“Taylor, are you okay?”

“Taylor is changing, her hurt is showing!”

“Taylor, you’re not yourself”


I was disappointed when I realized that I had been sad and depressed for so long that other people didn’t even recognize me being happy. They thought I was bleeding and just withholding how hurt I was. Honestly, I had already went through the waking up crying stage. I had spent enough time in the space of not getting out of the bed for days. and I had held on to my uplifting & unbreakable image for far too long.


It started to bother me that the image other people had of me was changing. They didn’t see me as the pristine, white as snow, angel sent from heaven anymore. They began to see me as a Wild Woman.


what characterized me as a Wild Woman?

going out to eat (a lot), ordering a drink every time, gaining more friends, & going wherever i wanted to go, doing whatever i wanted to do. not spending my entire day working, dying my hair, joining a church, traveling to different cities w other Wild people, smoking hookah, actually wearing the cute clothes that i bought, posting pics in it, posting funny memes…you know, Wild stuff.


What really happened is the pain, hurt, and toil broke the mold. I no longer wanted to apologize. Not only did I not want to withhold happiness from myself, I wanted to be angry too. I wanted to yell. I wanted to cuss. I wanted to speak my mind. I realized I was 27 years old and every choice I had ever made was for someone else’s benefit, ego, or comfortability.


You want to know when I started ruffling feathers?


When every action I made was for my own benefit and no one else’s. When every decision was for my own well-being, my own joy & happiness. When I found peace with every rough surface of my interior. When I didn’t ask for permission to trust my own decisions. When I didn’t consult anyone else, when I didn’t share every detail, and when I said no to whoever and whatever meant me harm. [because it wasn’t on accident, you meant that]


It wasn’t a problem when I fit the status quo.

It wasn’t a problem when their happiness took precedence.

It wasn’t a problem when I was walking on eggshells.

It wasn’t a problem when I danced through the hoops of the matrix for handclaps & praise from those who only loved what I could do for them


BUT I WANT TO BE VERY TRANSPARENT… I was in the darkest place I had ever been in in my life. It was a beautiful paradox. I felt like I was breaking and building at the exact same time. I was losing and being renewed at the exact same time. I was overcome with grief, and I was surrounded by peace at the exact same time. My choices looked so foreign to those who knew me, but they felt so natural to make as I leaned into a new chapter.


You know who else was a Wild Woman?


The woman at the well in John 4

The woman with the Alabaster Jar in Luke 7

The woman with the issue of blood in Mark 5


Women so broken by society, life circumstances or sin, but so desperate for change, freedom, and healing. Other people had cast them out, yet their humility and faith had put them in the room with Jesus.


The wild woman is searching. She is looking for release from her sin and torment. She will stop at no end to get it either.

The wild woman is selfish. She wants her healing and she wants it now. She is detached from her previous, yet disconnected from her next. She is waiting, in expectation, for a moment with Jesus to bridge the gap.

The wild woman has no bounds. She doesn’t care who is looking, what the norms are, or what is socially acceptable. Her choices and lifestyle are already too far gone from that. She isn’t afraid to color outside the lines, because her life has already forced her out of bounds over and over again.


So when Jesus approaches the wild woman, who has nothing to lose and everything to gain, His cleansing power and transformative love can finally do its work in her life. The message of this Gospel is not Jesus looking for an angel, white as snow; this message is the wild woman looking for Him.


I had asked God so many times to “Take this pain away”, yet the message of this Gospel is Him saying, “Give it to me”. I was finally ready to lay down my image, expectations, upbringing, and societal pressures and go in searching for the only one who could create, mend, + renew in chaos.


 

The truth is, other people were only viewing my highlight reel on instagram. They had no idea how many nights I didn’t sleep, mornings all I could do was pray, and days I went without eating at all. Nor was it any of their business. The mold was broken, and I had no desire to put it back together.


For the first time in my life, I let Jesus meet me exactly where I was. I let Jesus approach me, pardon me, & tell me to “go and sin no more”.


For the first time in my life, I didn’t want to be Jesus anymore.


For the first time in my life, I needed Jesus.


And I didn’t ask anyone for permission, I didn’t clean up my house prior, and I didn’t care who knew it. So if that makes me a wild woman, so be it.



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