Something Is Dying

I’ve always associated the word  “death” with

pain

heartbreak

suffering.

I would always think of the way death impacts the people that it leaves behind. It was only six months ago when I experienced an unexpected traumatic loss of my own that revealed to me the different levels of death and how they affect us. That’s when I started to associate the word “death” with

rebirth,

restoration

renewal

“THE PROCESS”

I’ve always wondered why do I feel loss so deeply. Loss of friendships, loss or relationships, and even loss of possessions. My heart would mourn like I was experiencing physical death. Grief would embody my perception, Every time I would lose something it felt like the rug would be pulled up from under me. I would always have to find myself again, in the dark.

I realized that repeatedly picking up the broken pieces of my life had scarred me. I would never be the same Naomi, that came into the relationship, or situation. I always left different and I detested it because how is it possible that every time I finally catch a grasp on my identity, I’m faced with the challenge of finding her all over again.

The truth is loss makes you question, you naturally want it to make sense, I used to be scared to question God, I always saw it as a form of disrespect. But when I decided to feel my emotions, and express my unsurety I began to develop a REAL relationship with God that was rooted in intimacy.

Thats when I realized I was experiencing spiritual growth and the reality is I would mourn the death of the person that I thought I was supposed to be, I would mourn the death of a life that I had already pre-created for this version of me, I have always been attached to an outcome and that  negatively affected my perception of what I thought life should be.

“THOSE WHO EXPERIENCE RE-BIRTH”

In the Bible people being raised from the dead is a common theme however what’s not always expounded on is the state of the person that has been resurrected.

Your physical body can be renewed but your spirit can still be lost. It defies every sentiment of logic that we as humans can come up with. What is seen as the thing that should destroy you, actually redeems you and introduces you to a new version of yourself.

Imagine the surprise of Lazuras family when he had been dead for two days but walked out the womb. Imagine the surprise of the individuals that crucified Jesus, only to roll the stone away not to see a body. Ive often thought about the experience that should have physically, mentally, and spiritually killed me yet here I am.

“LETTERS FROM THE DEEP”

For these last couple months I’ve been sitting. Sitting in grief, sadness, heaviness, and a broken spirit. On the outside I’ve kept my front. Still serving, still engaging, and still showing up to my roles. But on the inside I’ve been shrinking.

For awhile i was not only losing hope in humanity but in myself as well. I’ve questioned God several times why did you create me this way? With the gifts that I have, with the weight of the purpose that I carry, with a heart and mind that perceives things so deeply. In such a dark and cruel world, what’s the point? To have so much to offer but to fight daily to just keep my hope. To see so clearly in the spiritual realm only to be subjected to the harshness of this physical realm?

In these times I wanted to drown out these thoughts, throw myself into anything that can distract me from my head space. Work, ministry, fun, ANYTHING. But I decided to sit with my inner turmoil. The most uncomfortable and difficult thing that I’ve done this year.

But in my stillness I’ve found peace. Peace that actually makes no sense because my turmoil is very much so still present, but my peace is rooted in my truth. I will face hardships and some experiences in this world will try to damage my interior, but as long as I can be present with myself God can continue to introduce me to new versions of a woman that I didn’t even know that I owned.

This peace is not built on circumstances. This peace is present even as tears fall. This peace is  my reminder even as I question a God that makes no mistakes. And this peace is creating my new heart beat.